Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Boobs speak an international language.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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