I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
