I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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