Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
