I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
