Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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