Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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