new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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