in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
