I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
