____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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