his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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