Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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