I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize