If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
