I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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