Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Less talking, more tequila
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
