remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What drink are we having for lunch?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
