The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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