His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
