Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
