walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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