So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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