Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
