I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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