The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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