take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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