Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
