I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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