Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
