i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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