fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
