I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
