hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
