It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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