I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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