if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dear god my vagina.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize