"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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