My sheets look like a crime scene.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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