I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
