Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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