she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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