I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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