woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
