There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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