96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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