I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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