i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize