I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
