got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
