this beer tastes like vomit already
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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