WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
