i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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