Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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