there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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