that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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