So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
