I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
sarcasm needs its own font
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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