My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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